THE WAIT

DEVON FRANKLIN and MEAGAN GOOD WITH TIM VANDEHEY

 The Wait is an incredibly interesting book which is not just about sex, but it begins with sex. How could it not?

The Wait is a conscious choice to pursue delayed gratification in the areas of life specifically related to relationships.

To wait is to delay the temptation for instant gratification in relationships in order to get 
 what you really want in life and become the person you truly want to be.

That starts with saying no to sex.

Patience is not the ability to Wait,

But the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.

—JOYCE MEYERS

We’ve all made terrible decisions about who to flirt with, spend time with, commit to, and even sleep with that had nothing to do with our brains but everything to do with our bodies.

Sex can become a gateway drug to all kinds of other choices intended to satisfy the need for quick pleasure: going out with that gorgeous girl even though you know she’s a hot mess, spending the weekend at that dude’s place even though you know you’re not the only one, or having just one more drink even though you know it will impair your judgment.

When we chase the high of instant gratification, we make choices that for many reasons are irresponsible and based on poor reasoning . . . or no reasoning at all.

Delaying gratification means working at becoming more self-aware and humble enough to admit that our first impulses aren’t always smart ones.

Celibacy is about the mind as much as it is about the body. When we think about celibacy, we focus on the physical need to have sex.

But being celibate isn’t just about pushing down that hormonal

need to engage in intercourse. It’s about owning how you feel, even when those horny feelings are coming on.

It’s choosing to discipline the mind and think of the benefit you seek, something that is greater than the desire to give in.

You might have heard people say something like this when talking about weight loss: “You have to think like a healthy person.” It means that losing weight isn’t entirely about changing what you eat, but about understanding why you eat the way you do.

If you overeat out of anxiety or loneliness and you can address those problems, you will change how you think about food and eat differently.

 Celibacy is the same. If you look at the reasons sex is important to you, you’ll probably find that they are less important than having what you want in life. That will change how you think about sex and make it easier to resist your physical urges.

When we talk about celibacy, the last thing we’re doing is telling you to ignore sex. Just the opposite. We’re suggesting that you acknowledge its power and your own desire. That way, if you choose to go without sex, you’ll do so with your eyes open, understanding the realities and

risks of having sex and not having it. Celibacy and The Wait complement each other

The urges will still be there, make no mistake.

Many of us don’t even consider that the sexual aspect of a relationship could be optional. It doesn’t occur to us. But what if it did?

What if we made the conscious choice to make clarity and communication and closeness more important than sexual gratification?

That’s what is meant by celibacy being about the mind. Once you reframe sex as a choice, you can reframe celibacy as a commitment that will help you get the things you want.

Your sexual urges lose their power over you. You gain power over them.

Waiting for sex isn’t easy, but no important thing is ever easy.

It’s a sacrifice, but a worthwhile one.

Asking anyone to give up sex is asking a lot. We know that. We’re asking you to shut down a fundamental part of what makes you human, and it’s not easy.

The key to any good movie is tension. It doesn’t matter if you’re waiting for two characters to share their first kiss or holding your breath while the heroine tries to escape from the serial killer. 

No matter the genre of film, what moves the story is the tension between what the main character wants and the obstacles he or she must overcome to get it.

The Wait works the same way. It takes the tension that exists between instant and delayed gratification and turns it into energy. 

Change is always difficult, which is why people so often retreat into the familiar even when the familiar is awful and depressing. 

That’s why we get back together with our exes even if things ended the last time in screaming and broken glass. 

It’s why we go out with the same friends even when we know they bring out the worst in us. 

We crave familiarity, and The Wait asks you to dive into unfamiliar territory. But that’s what makes it such a powerful force for change.

Why does delaying gratification make us better people? 

Sigmund Freud pointed to the ego’s ability to strike a bargain between the id (the “let’s get it on” part of the mind) and the superego (the center of principle and morality). But that still doesn’t explain the reason why The Wait is such a powerful tool for getting what you want.

It’s all about how our minds and bodies are programmed to see pleasure. Every day is a contest between pleasures of the flesh and of the spirit. Fleshly pleasures are about immediate satisfaction of our desires through things like food, sex, spending money, feeling superior to other people, and so on.

The trouble is our culture works 24-7 to tell us that fleshly pleasure (instant gratification) is the better way to live. 

Companies make billions of dollars convincing us that we need—no, deserve—food, music, sex, new clothing, high-end technology, and incredible experiences all the time. We’ve become programmed to favor the flesh over the spirit.

This harms us in more ways than we can count. The continuous, unbalanced practice of choosing short-term pleasures blinds us, corrupts our willpower, and drives choices that ultimately can destroy our lives.

Waiting reduces drama, conflict, and expense. 

How much cash do we burn to look sexy for people who don’t even care? 

How much mental energy do we spend to wine and dine someone with the sole purpose of getting them into bed, only to discover later that they just wanted to get us in bed? 

Then there’s the post-sex conflict, expectations, and crises. Giving up sex spares you this. Apart from the money, who wouldn’t love to say good-bye to the walks of shame, morning-after scenes, waiting on the call that doesn’t come, and feelings of being used?

If you’re practicing The Wait, abstaining from sex is something you’re doing for yourself, not as a sort of brake you apply to your relationship.

 Forgoing sexual intercourse so you can become a more self-aware, completely realized person is an empowering choice, one worth making.

Until you reach a point where you don't need validation from your peers, you can’t wait.

 

But once you find that place where you can say, “I don’t need anyone else to tell me my worth,” you can WAIT.